Abyssian Journal


WARNING: This page might contain negativity and a lot of sarcasm. Read at your own risk.

(This page is meant as an emotional outlet for me)

I used to care, but then I realized the less I give a damn, the happier I am.

No matter what I do, how much I try to fit in, there will always be people who will find things to dislike about me. (So being a people-pleaser is stupid and pointless).

If the world can't accept my authenthic/real self, then it's up to me to do it - because no one else will.

Too many times I've done things, said things, just to be accepted by others. I was part of communities/fandoms where I've truly believed I'd be accepted and considered as an important/trusted member, only to be faced with reality afterwards. No matter how much I've tried, in the end I was nothing but a stranger. A stranger without a face and with bad socializing skills.

All my socializing efforts have only worsened everything. When I've finally felt one time like I belonged somewhere, the next day this feeling was gone after I've realized that I've overstepped my boundaries and f#cked up other people's trust in me. When I've tried to help people, the people I've helped stabbed me in the back. They either made fun of me behind my back, used me, or completely misinterpret my intentions and attacked/bully me (Why the hell would I DATE you ?! I just wanted to HELP you !). On rare occasions they also used me as a punching bag to 'vent' their own personal issues.


These days I don't care anymore. I've given up on trying to find people/groups with similar interests and to socialize with them (because even if we have similar interests it doesn't mean that we will get along!). I don't care anymore if I don't belong anywhere and that I don't share the stuff I like on social media (the 'Likes' and 'Follow' metrics are addictive, aren't they huh? #ExternalValidation). I've given up on trying to help people who don't want to be helped and won't listen. (Some people can't be helped and need a professional)

In the end all this experience has taught me to live for myself, and to appreciate myself - as the person who I really am, not who I pretend to be (just for outside acceptance). In the end the real problem weren't the people or the wrong groups - but it was me, who didn't appreciate myself enough. All of the bad experiences were a Lesson to help me to realize what really was wrong with me all along.

Moral: If people don't appreciate you enough, appreciate yourself more and ignore the voices which keep you down ! Be it outside people's voices or inner voices of doubt/self-hatred.